Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
