I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Randomize
