Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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