You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
