So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Randomize
