If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
