I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
