I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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