I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
