remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
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how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
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So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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