Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
