how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
