Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
