i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
