I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
