Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Blood and glitter go together right?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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