Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
