Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
