I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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