I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
