and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
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