apparently the secret to your success is patron
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
19 Cringe-worthy Bachelorette Party Texts
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
The 23 Worst Things That Have Happened After a One Night Stand
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.