girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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