I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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