He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
