just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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