meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
you never un-have a 4some
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
