This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Can you bring me the toilet please
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Randomize
