Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
