I'm pants shitting drunk right now
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Randomize
