Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I supernannyed him into submission
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
