yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
