I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
