I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
