Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
