he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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