[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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