one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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