Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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