Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize
