If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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