I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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