Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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