Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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