Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
