I have demons in me.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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