proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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