News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
My vagina is very pro this idea
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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