I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
40s are totally the cure
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
