My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
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