And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
