FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
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