I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
